The Mantra of Healthy Sexuality

Illustration: Nick

Nick considered himself a “man’s man.” He was a very active, athletic, guy who loved the outdoors and team sports both competing and viewing. He believed that his sexual attitudes and behavior were normal and masculine — Nick began masturbating at 12, first orgasm with a partner at 16, first intercourse at 18. Nick could enjoy both “hook-up” sex as well as sex with his girlfriend. He prided himself in always using a condom and had easy, predictable erections. Nick graduated high school, was in the Navy for 4 years, and then finished an apprenticeship as an electrician. He is now a master electrician who runs his own successful business.

Nick married at 22 when his girlfriend became pregnant but soon realized it was a fatally flawed marriage, and they separated after 18 months. Nick felt he recovered well from the divorce. When he remarried at 27, it was a thoughtful, emotionally wise choice and Nick was committed to having a satisfying, stable marriage with Ali-cia. They established a strong, resilient marital bond of respect, trust, and intimacy and had their first child after 2½ years.

At 42, Nick valued his masculinity and sexuality but felt ready for a new quality of male sexuality. There were two impetuses for this. The first was his marriage and family. Nick and Alicia just celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary, and his children were 12 and 10. Nick also reestablished connection with his 19-year-old son from his first marriage. Nick hoped that his children would learn from his positive model and not repeat his mistakes. Nick’s openness to Alicia’s influence had clearly improved the quality of his life — this marriage has brought out the best in Nick. The second factor was events around him that made Nick more aware of the negative results of the super-macho role and he was determined not to allow that to happen to him.

Nick’s older brother had been diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes at age 43, caused in large part by poor health habits — he was overweight, drank too much, and didn’t exercise. He heard through Alicia that his brother had developed erectile dysfunction, was depressed, and was not managing either his health or his life. An older electrician had a serious auto accident while driving drunk. Many of his friends were wasting their time and money on Internet porn, seduced by the message that this was a harmless entertainment with no consequences for their lives and relationship when in fact it was a compulsive behavior that interfered with their lives, relationships, and finances.